REALationships

Sometimes the demands of our daily lives can seem so overwhelming, we feel like we are going to freak out. Numerous deadlines and pressures, people asking so many things of us or major stressors like illness and loss mount up and seem like more than we can handle. In the midst of this stress, sometimes we do “freak out” by melting down: losing our temper, crying, having a panic attack or getting sick.
College students just endured their high-pressure year end and now school-age families and teachers are trying to make it to their finale. The end of the school year can often feel overwhelming for students and parents with final tests, year-end musical performances or sports tournaments. Families are on the go constantly and there is very little time for rest.
Here are some useful ways to manage stress anytime you are feeling overwhelmed:
Do not sacrifice sleep. When we are tired we don’t think clearly. We don’t function at our best and we get irritable and more easily overwhelmed.
Manage your thinking. Think about a previous time of immense stress and remember that you survived it. Congratulate yourself for managing that. Believe that you can manage this too. Focusing on fear and self-doubt is what leads to us freaking out. This is a cognitive distortion called catastrophizing. Many high-performing perfectionists are prone to it. The way to overcome it is to be aware of your thinking and battle to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.
Write down the things you need to do and plan when you will do them. Having a huge list in our heads clouds our thinking and hangs there like a weight. Decide the priorities. Figure out what can be left undone or delegated.
Don’t completely neglect exercise. I sure wish running from thing to thing counted as exercise. You may have less time but do make some time to move and stretch even if it is walking around the office or house as a break or stretching your calves while you sit at your desk.
Ask yourself “What is the worst thing that could happen if you did not do the job you wanted to on a project?” It very well may affect your evaluation or the college you go to but it may not. If it does, will you survive? I got some bad grades in undergrad and still managed to get into and complete two graduate programs and have a successful professional life.
If you are a spiritual person, spend time reading devotional material and praying for strength.
Be thankful. Notice all the good things around you. Take time even in stressful times to take a break and enjoy a laugh or a beautiful thing.
Breathe. Slow down and breathe deeply. We all breathe in a shallow way. Breathing deeply opens up our chests and gets more air to our brains.
Hang on. Summer is almost here. This too will end. See you in the sun!

 

One afternoon several years ago, I was saying that I would rather have something else and my daughter chimed, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” What profound words her teacher had taught the class.

I don’t lie crying on the floor kicking my feet any more but I still throw adult-type tantrums sometimes. I know my mind and often speak it freely commenting about things that could be improved or that don’t meet my standards. A relative pointed this out to me not long ago. In a restaurant overseas, in the server’s presence I complained that the menu was overpriced and that they didn’t have the dish I was looking for. I should have been grateful that I was eating out in a beautiful garden restaurant in Europe.

A friend that lived in a developing country said that he went into a grocery store while visiting the U.S. to buy a sauce for food. He said there were so many varieties he was so overwhelmed that he left without making a choice. Recently I have been internally whining about the number of things that need updating in our aging home. I try to remind myself about the home of the child we sponsor in Guatemala. About eight family members were sharing a wooden shack with unlevel mud floors that was smaller than my kitchen with no running water or electricity. I often whine about cooking so often and then washing the dishes. A little girl in Africa said that when she washes the dishes she is thankful she has food. When she hand-washes clothes she is thankful that she has something to wear.

I am not suggesting that we settle for mediocrity instead of excellence. However, having so many choices can lead to the self-centered expectation that we should always have what we want and that we always need more. I recall looking through a toy catalog for a gift suggestion and not being able to find an age-appropriate toy that my child didn’t already have. It can be difficult to entertain ourselves or our children because we have had so many exciting experiences that keep getting bigger and better.

In the United States, in addition to our basic needs being met we have so many of our wants satisfied with many privileges and opportunities. I often lose sight of this. At least for today, I will try to be thankful for what I have and remember the profound words, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”

 

by Nancy Linton

As self-starters who run things, it is vital that we be organized and efficient. We have too much to do to waste time or do things the hard way. We have to work smarter rather than harder. Every day we manage people; we manage programs; we manage our homes; we manage our children. If they follow our efficient plan, then things run very smoothly. Our delicately balanced work and personal lives stay balanced. But once in a while or maybe daily, someone that we manage refuses to go along with the program. Our two year old throws herself on the ground in the middle of the grocery store. Our 16-year refuses to try in school and yells at us when we bring it up. Our employee not only doesn’t do their work but also causes strife and dissention in the office.  Our wife passively aggressively shops too much and refuses to consider the budget. Our husband passively aggressively retreats to his man cave to watch sports while we cook, clean and take care of the kids.

“If only you would do it my way, everything would work really well. I know how to do these things efficiently. If you would just listen it would save so much time,” we think or say for the hundred the time. But even though we know it and we have said so over and over, they refuse to comply. They refuse to be managed. And the harder we push, the more they resist.

When I was a young woman, my Dad who was divorced from my Mom, gave me one piece of advice I will always remember, “Don’t nag your future husband to death. You will drive him away.” She nagged and he let the grass get a foot high. They never learned to work as a team.

Kirk Martin of Celebrate Calm has written extensively about our desire to control others stems from our own anxiety. We function from our insecurity. We need to look good to others with a perfectively manicured yard, perfectly behaved and dressed children; perfectly……………….you fill in the blank for yourself. Have you ever noticed the more you tell your kids to hurry because you are late the slower they move? They shut down.

Also we look at what is wrong instead of what is good. I have done it many times. My helpful husband goes to the warehouse club and stocks up. But instead of profusely thanking him, I complain about what he forgot to buy.  Our spouses and children stop trying because they cannot do it, whatever it is, to our perfectionist standards.

As high–performing people, we will always have things and people to manage but we must accept that excellent or even good enough are the desired goals. The pursuit of perfection leaves us miserable and alone. A friend quoted her daughter’s innocent comment about the artwork she had made, pure wisdom from the mouth of babes, “Mommy, it is perfect enough?” May we offer that same freedom to those we try to manage. It starts by granting it to ourselves.

Other resources:

So Long Insecurity: You Have Been a Bad Friend To Us, Beth Moore

You Can’t Make Me But I Can Be Persuaded, Cynthia Tobias

Control Freak: Coping with Those Around You; Taming the One Within, Les Parrott

Kirk Martin’s website CelebrateCalm.com