REALationships

Every year, when I sit down to write our Christmas newsletter, I think about the highlights of the year, of course. Like other families, I list the milestones and accomplishments such as graduations, new jobs, special trips. Also, like other families, I leave out the painful, negative ways in which we messed up. 

I leave out the times that I said something really horrible to a family member. I leave out the times I felt overwhelmed and broke down in tears. I leave out my attempts to influence, i.e. control others around me by giving them unwanted advice, guilt trips or rolling my eyes or making snide comment when they don’t do what I want them to do. 

Like everyone else, I try to keep up our image and put on a perfect, happy front. They say one of the problems with social media is that everybody is comparing their messed-up life, or at least slightly unhappy life to everybody else’s seemingly happy, perfect life. My husband calls one of those social media outlets Fakebook.  You may even have compared your family life to mine when you see our smiling family pictures. 

But rest assured, if we sit down together for a cup of coffee, we’ll both have plenty to prayer about for each other and plenty to confess. And we will have plenty to be thankful for, both the fun and happy times, and the trials.

So in need of the Savior,

Nancy

               Where is my Advent wreath this year? Still in the basement with the Christmas tree. I usually put up a smaller artificial one when we are traveling. A house guest said, “Why bother?” but I still intended to. When my family wasn’t interested in decorating it together, I reluctantly let go of the need to have one and just decorated the mantle.

               When the first week of Advent came so quickly and they lit the candle at church, I was irritated that I had already missed the start of observing Advent at home. I thought about trying to catch up as I have done many years in the past, but this would mean trying to find the wreath among all the decorations. I realized this would only add to the great amount of stress, I already was feeling this year. And the candles in my homemade wreath are always falling over. They are different heights from having been used in the past and I didn’t have time to locate new ones. It is a challenge to get the family together to do the reading. As hard as I try, I can’t make it perfect.

               I will never make Christmas perfect because life is so messy. I run around filled with anxiety forgetting about Jesus whose birth we are celebrating. But God is faithful and keeps working to help me let go a little more each year. The wreath and the tree remain in the basement but, thanks to His goodness, Advent is shining brightly in my heart.

             On Sunday, after hitting my head on a pipe in the storage room in my rush to go to a Christmas party, I found myself shouting under my breath, “Where the *#%*#* is the advent wreath?” I decided today that I must change more this year than just actually lighting the candles each week with my kids.  When my silent night was filled with endless thoughts of my to-do list that made me unable to sleep, I decided to step back and reflect on this common predicament.

             I am not talking about Skipping Christmas as the Kranks tried so hard to do in John Grisham’s delightful book made into a movie.   I decided this is the year I am going to really celebrate my faith and enjoy the holidays.  I will say “No” to some things so that I can say “Yes” to the people that matter the most.

             So today, I said “No” to a professional opportunity I’d really like to pursue this month.  And I called to change my RSVP to “No” for a few of the parties. And last week I said “No, we’ll have to miss this one,” to my daughter about taking her to her activity that night, as I feverishly prepared for her birthday party the next day.  A few weeks ago, a fellow PTA leader and I encouraged another mom who was about to take on another large task to, “Just say, no.”

If the Christmas season brings a sense of dread instead of joy to our hearts, it is up to us to make a change.  How can we expect ourselves to feel merry when we have three times as many things to do this month? Our jobs and household tasks don’t go away because the Christmas tree needs to go up and the cards need to go out.

             A friend said that one year, she was so exhausted when it came time to cook the Christmas meal that her husband went and bought burgers to serve on the beautiful china.  This has become their favorite family tradition.  One of my personal favorites is the bubble bath I started taking in the afternoon after the gifts are all unwrapped.  I put out heavy appetizers for everyone to graze on all day and disappear to my haven of peace.

             As the Christmas rush ramps up exponentially, let’s be intentional people who say “Yes” to what’s most important.  It is up to us to break out of the hype and give ourselves the freedom to say no in order to preserve our sanity with restful, silent nights and happier days.  We can also look for ways to serve others who are actually in need rather than indulging every material want.

  It is inevitable that I will be busier this month, but when I do find my advent wreath, I will actually be able to smile as I light it with my family.

Occasionally, I hear a parent say, “I am ashamed of you” when they are correcting their child. I have heard just about everything but this phrase is one that upsets me a great deal. Most of us don’t say this directly but it is still easy to inadvertently parent in ways that leave our child feeling ashamed. I had a conversation with a teacher recently about children lacking respect for the teacher and often not displaying shame or remorse when corrected in the classroom. I agreed that children should feel regret for willful misbehavior.  Feeling ashamed helps them feel sorry for what they did and desire to change and grow. But we want shame to be temporary and not be a cloud that hangs over their head causing anxiety, self-doubt and sometimes despair.

Parenting styles have changed a lot over the last thirty to years. Prior to the 70’s parents typically parented with a much more authoritative style. Parents made more of the decisions and children were informed of these decisions and did not challenge them. John Rosemond comments about how in the 70’s and 80’s families became more of a democracy. Children became the center of the family instead of the relationship of the couple being central. Parents started saying things to kids I often hear like, “Are you ready to leave the park yet?” or “Where would you like to go to lunch?” These seem like harmless phrases but they give the child the idea that they are in charge. Children need the security of knowing that their parents are in charge and are a trustworthy authority.

In the 60’s parents got children involved in activities and sports but at a more manageable pace. Today, children are involved in many extracurriculars that dictate the family’s schedule and allow very little time for the parents to nurture their own relationship. Children long for the security of knowing their parents’ marriage is strong. Parents are often exhausted and have very little time for each other or to reflect on their parenting style unless things get out of control in the home.

Though we likely have read many books on parenting and are very dedicated to our kids, it is easy to become way the Ezzos describe as “nagging and repeating parents.” When my daughter was three, I told her to get down from the railing of the grocery cart storage area. She said, “Mommy, tell me three times.” Wow. At three years of age, she had my number. She figured out that I would repeat the command and not enforce it the first time. I have struggled with this throughout the entire life of my children. Now that they are teenagers, their response time is worse which then leads to me yelling at them. I am sure I am not alone in saying negative things about how they never listen when in fact I have not adequately taught them to listen.

The biggest piece of advice I give young parents is to teach their children to listen the first time. After getting their full attention and telling them what to do, go over to them and make them do it. So often, I call up the stairs then return to my chores. I don’t expect them to comply the first time so they don’t. It is important to determine an appropriate consequence for not doing what they are told. I have said many times that the reason teachers can manage so many children in a classroom at once is because they spend a great deal of time determining their classroom management approach and teaching the expectations to the students in the first weeks of school. The classroom rules are spelled out and the consequences for not following them are very clear. Of course, we don’t want to only have negative consequences. There can be a balance of rewards including praise, extra family time together or a small treat.

Much of our parenting style is based in what was modeled to us by our own parents, either following it or intentionally trying to do the opposite. One of the downsides of our parents’ generation was that often directions were given as negatives such as, “Don’t run in the house,” instead correction being giving in a positive statement, “Please walk in the house.”  The difference is very subtle. The Responsive Classroom approach has instructed teachers to change their language to positive correction. This approach also includes working on developing a sense of community in the classroom and praising positive behavior in front of all the students to encourage this. It is recommended that teachers breakdown the steps of expected behavior and repeat the steps often in the early weeks. In the home this could be applied by emphasizing things we likely already model. For example, instead of telling our child they have poor manners at the table we can break down the parts of good manners such as placing a napkin in their lap, closing their mouth when they chew. Most importantly the challenging task of remembering to notice and praise what they are doing well instead of always commenting on what they are doing wrong. I will admit that this is hard to do consistently. It comes more naturally for some people than it does for others.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart and we are all a work in progress. I have to apologize to my kids sometimes for my mistakes but also remember to give myself some credit and praise for all I am doing well in this parenting journey.

I had another job I had to do at the ski tournament. My husband had many jobs but had a break in the action. He agreed to pick up the toys I had brought to occupy the younger children while they waited for their turn. I thought my instructions were clear: “Please pick up all the toys.” As I walked to the car, he said, “Is this one of them?” With a huff, I replied, “ALL the toys.” A similar situation occurred yesterday. He is a very helpful guy. He agreed to return a few items to Walmart for me since he was headed there. I gave him the items in a bag, handed him the receipt, said thanks and began to leave for my errand. He said, “How many items are there?” Tired and burned out from weeks of going and going with little rest, I replied, “I don’t know! I am so tired.” He quickly scurried away.

My husband is a very detailed, conscientious person, a former naval aviator where details protect lives. One of our close friends died in a crash because someone hedged on important training details. I am very grateful that he pays detailed attention to things like making sure that no one uses our credit cards by checking every purchase. I was attracted to his sincere follow through, dedication to his job and wise use of money while we were dating. I think carefully (usually) about the purchase and then make it and let him pay the bills. I am a global thinker and a visionary. I access needs, develop interventions and implement them. The details I focus on are words and human interactions. I know my lack of interest in locating every receipt has driven him crazy for twenty-eight years. His need to know every little detail drives me crazy. Such is the nature of marriage.

I could have been more patient and understanding of his nature in these interactions. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. That is part of being human and dealing with other humans. But I have a choice to make: do I camp out on these and other differences that frustrate me or do I focus on gratitude for the positive aspects of these personality characteristics? I am praying for patience and a grateful heart since complaining and being snarky are more my nature. I am a work in progress and am thankful that my husband has put up with me all these years.

Almost very week, I hear about a new couple getting divorced. Some have been married ten years, some have been married up to thirty years. Marriage is hard. When couples get to the point of divorce it is generally after many years of being unhappy. It is usually not a decision that is made lightly. The couples usually say they tried to make it work. The issue I have with that comment is that what it really means is, “I tried to get my spouse to change but they would not change.” Our spouse changing usually means them doing a better job of meeting our needs. These thoughts are based a faulty assumption:  That our spouse is supposed to meet our needs and that they are the ones that need to change in order to do so.

When I have tried to help couples in difficult marriages, I generally spend months trying to get them to stop pointing fingers and blaming the other person for the problems. It takes quite a while to help them each see their own contribution to the problems that exist. All people bring their past to their relationship and have unique personality traits and experiences that impact how they relate to others and handle conflict.  Living with another human being means there will be conflict. There are endless issues that have to be negotiated: use of money, care of the home, child-rearing, sex lives……..the list goes on. The amount of negotiation and compromise required is huge. Much of it occurs after the individuals are exhausted because they have already spent the day doing those things with co-workers or children. It is ripe for creating the perfect storm.

For now I will leave you with this suggestion: Consider what you are really unhappy about and some things that are impacting your mood. Are you disappointed in yourself in some way and taking it out on your spouse? Are you restless and wanting more in life? Are you tired from too much activity and too little rest? Is there a past hurt that you never worked on healing? Answers will not come easily or be resolved quickly but exploring them is a good place start.