Occasionally, I hear a parent say, “I am ashamed of you” when they are correcting their child. I have heard just about everything but this phrase is one that upsets me a great deal. Most of us don’t say this directly but it is still easy to inadvertently parent in ways that leave our child feeling ashamed. I had a conversation with a teacher recently about children lacking respect for the teacher and often not displaying shame or remorse when corrected in the classroom. I agreed that children should feel regret for willful misbehavior. Feeling ashamed helps them feel sorry for what they did and desire to change and grow. But we want shame to be temporary and not be a cloud that hangs over their head causing anxiety, self-doubt and sometimes despair.
Parenting styles have changed a lot over the last thirty to years. Prior to the 70’s parents typically parented with a much more authoritative style. Parents made more of the decisions and children were informed of these decisions and did not challenge them. John Rosemond comments about how in the 70’s and 80’s families became more of a democracy. Children became the center of the family instead of the relationship of the couple being central. Parents started saying things to kids I often hear like, “Are you ready to leave the park yet?” or “Where would you like to go to lunch?” These seem like harmless phrases but they give the child the idea that they are in charge. Children need the security of knowing that their parents are in charge and are a trustworthy authority.
In the 60’s parents got children involved in activities and sports but at a more manageable pace. Today, children are involved in many extracurriculars that dictate the family’s schedule and allow very little time for the parents to nurture their own relationship. Children long for the security of knowing their parents’ marriage is strong. Parents are often exhausted and have very little time for each other or to reflect on their parenting style unless things get out of control in the home.
Though we likely have read many books on parenting and are very dedicated to our kids, it is easy to become way the Ezzos describe as “nagging and repeating parents.” When my daughter was three, I told her to get down from the railing of the grocery cart storage area. She said, “Mommy, tell me three times.” Wow. At three years of age, she had my number. She figured out that I would repeat the command and not enforce it the first time. I have struggled with this throughout the entire life of my children. Now that they are teenagers, their response time is worse which then leads to me yelling at them. I am sure I am not alone in saying negative things about how they never listen when in fact I have not adequately taught them to listen.
The biggest piece of advice I give young parents is to teach their children to listen the first time. After getting their full attention and telling them what to do, go over to them and make them do it. So often, I call up the stairs then return to my chores. I don’t expect them to comply the first time so they don’t. It is important to determine an appropriate consequence for not doing what they are told. I have said many times that the reason teachers can manage so many children in a classroom at once is because they spend a great deal of time determining their classroom management approach and teaching the expectations to the students in the first weeks of school. The classroom rules are spelled out and the consequences for not following them are very clear. Of course, we don’t want to only have negative consequences. There can be a balance of rewards including praise, extra family time together or a small treat.
Much of our parenting style is based in what was modeled to us by our own parents, either following it or intentionally trying to do the opposite. One of the downsides of our parents’ generation was that often directions were given as negatives such as, “Don’t run in the house,” instead correction being giving in a positive statement, “Please walk in the house.” The difference is very subtle. The Responsive Classroom approach has instructed teachers to change their language to positive correction. This approach also includes working on developing a sense of community in the classroom and praising positive behavior in front of all the students to encourage this. It is recommended that teachers breakdown the steps of expected behavior and repeat the steps often in the early weeks. In the home this could be applied by emphasizing things we likely already model. For example, instead of telling our child they have poor manners at the table we can break down the parts of good manners such as placing a napkin in their lap, closing their mouth when they chew. Most importantly the challenging task of remembering to notice and praise what they are doing well instead of always commenting on what they are doing wrong. I will admit that this is hard to do consistently. It comes more naturally for some people than it does for others.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart and we are all a work in progress. I have to apologize to my kids sometimes for my mistakes but also remember to give myself some credit and praise for all I am doing well in this parenting journey.
REALationships 