I hate being wrong! I get defensive. I make excuses. I fight back. Though I confront people with care all the time in my job, I hate being confronted. I want to be right. I try hard not to make mistakes. I feel embarrassed when I am wrong. I know it is immature. I am working on it.
Early in my career, I was influenced by the work of Carl Menniger. He developed a list of character traits that indicate that a person is emotionally mature.
The Criteria of Emotional Maturity
- The ability to deal constructively with reality.
- The capacity to adapt to change.
- A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties.
- The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving.
- The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness.
- The capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets.
- The capacity to love.
William C. Menninger, MD
While this list does not address being willing to admit when we are wrong directly, several points lead to this. Having “the ability to deal constructively with reality” requires putting emotions aside and looking objectively at a situation. This involves taking responsibility for one’s own contribution to problems. “The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving” means being less self-focused and self-protective and more other-focused and giving. If we feel secure in ourselves we can accept that making mistakes is a normal part of being human. We will have more sorrow for hurting someone else than we do about being embarrassed to be wrong. Being confronted about our error will be seen as a way to grow.
If we are seeking healthy ways get our needs met than we will be less desperate and demanding that others meet our needs. We will have a greater “capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness.” Being and acting emotionally mature all the time is really hard. Even though I work on it regularly, I have a long way to go. Many things impact our ways of relating to others including our temperament, the ways we saw conflict handled growing up and the ways we have been hurt in the past.
Relationships are hard. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail in the way I relate to others. Fortunately, there is forgiveness and the chance to try again. The best thing I can do to grow is to take an honest look at my role in the conflict, try to determine why I responded the way I did and to apologize when appropriate. This is not easy or quick but growth toward emotional maturity is worth it.
(photo credits to SheKnows.com)
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