Almost very week, I hear about a new couple getting divorced. Some have been married ten years, some have been married up to thirty years. Marriage is hard. When couples get to the point of divorce it is generally after many years of being unhappy. It is usually not a decision that is made lightly. The couples usually say they tried to make it work. The issue I have with that comment is that what it really means is, “I tried to get my spouse to change but they would not change.” Our spouse changing usually means them doing a better job of meeting our needs. These thoughts are based a faulty assumption: That our spouse is supposed to meet our needs and that they are the ones that need to change in order to do so.
When I have tried to help couples in difficult marriages, I generally spend months trying to get them to stop pointing fingers and blaming the other person for the problems. It takes quite a while to help them each see their own contribution to the problems that exist. All people bring their past to their relationship and have unique personality traits and experiences that impact how they relate to others and handle conflict. Living with another human being means there will be conflict. There are endless issues that have to be negotiated: use of money, care of the home, child-rearing, sex lives……..the list goes on. The amount of negotiation and compromise required is huge. Much of it occurs after the individuals are exhausted because they have already spent the day doing those things with co-workers or children. It is ripe for creating the perfect storm.
For now I will leave you with this suggestion: Consider what you are really unhappy about and some things that are impacting your mood. Are you disappointed in yourself in some way and taking it out on your spouse? Are you restless and wanting more in life? Are you tired from too much activity and too little rest? Is there a past hurt that you never worked on healing? Answers will not come easily or be resolved quickly but exploring them is a good place start.
REALationships 