by Nancy Linton
As self-starters who run things, it is vital that we be organized and efficient. We have too much to do to waste time or do things the hard way. We have to work smarter rather than harder. Every day we manage people; we manage programs; we manage our homes; we manage our children. If they follow our efficient plan, then things run very smoothly. Our delicately balanced work and personal lives stay balanced. But once in a while or maybe daily, someone that we manage refuses to go along with the program. Our two year old throws herself on the ground in the middle of the grocery store. Our 16-year refuses to try in school and yells at us when we bring it up. Our employee not only doesn’t do their work but also causes strife and dissention in the office. Our wife passively aggressively shops too much and refuses to consider the budget. Our husband passively aggressively retreats to his man cave to watch sports while we cook, clean and take care of the kids.
“If only you would do it my way, everything would work really well. I know how to do these things efficiently. If you would just listen it would save so much time,” we think or say for the hundred the time. But even though we know it and we have said so over and over, they refuse to comply. They refuse to be managed. And the harder we push, the more they resist.
When I was a young woman, my Dad who was divorced from my Mom, gave me one piece of advice I will always remember, “Don’t nag your future husband to death. You will drive him away.” She nagged and he let the grass get a foot high. They never learned to work as a team.
Kirk Martin of Celebrate Calm has written extensively about our desire to control others stems from our own anxiety. We function from our insecurity. We need to look good to others with a perfectively manicured yard, perfectly behaved and dressed children; perfectly……………….you fill in the blank for yourself. Have you ever noticed the more you tell your kids to hurry because you are late the slower they move? They shut down.
Also we look at what is wrong instead of what is good. I have done it many times. My helpful husband goes to the warehouse club and stocks up. But instead of profusely thanking him, I complain about what he forgot to buy. Our spouses and children stop trying because they cannot do it, whatever it is, to our perfectionist standards.
As high–performing people, we will always have things and people to manage but we must accept that excellent or even good enough are the desired goals. The pursuit of perfection leaves us miserable and alone. A friend quoted her daughter’s innocent comment about the artwork she had made, pure wisdom from the mouth of babes, “Mommy, it is perfect enough?” May we offer that same freedom to those we try to manage. It starts by granting it to ourselves.
Other resources:
So Long Insecurity: You Have Been a Bad Friend To Us, Beth Moore
You Can’t Make Me But I Can Be Persuaded, Cynthia Tobias
Control Freak: Coping with Those Around You; Taming the One Within, Les Parrott
Kirk Martin’s website CelebrateCalm.com
REALationships 